


The Undone and the Divine

by footprintsinthesnow



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Masturbation, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 02:57:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20789456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/footprintsinthesnow/pseuds/footprintsinthesnow
Summary: Hatori learns what it means to desire something he cannot have.





	The Undone and the Divine

Lately, it felt as though he couldn’t stop thinking about her. 

They saw each other each week, talked on the phone nearly every day. Yet, it still wasn’t enough. In the hours, minutes, seconds that she wasn’t around, she lived in the back of his mind. She laid there, soft hair haloed around her head as she sprawled out long and lean, tawny skin and warm eyes begging for that certain attention that he wished he could give her. Not that he would be brave enough to ever do it. Even if everything was different and he had all the right circumstances, the fact remained that he was a coward. 

There was a piece of him that couldn’t help but be afraid. These feelings were something brand new and entirely unfamiliar to him. He had never felt like this before. Not for anyone, not even Kana. He loved her deeply and genuinely, but in retrospect something that should have been there wasn’t. There was an innocence to their relationship, one that reached far beyond the confines of the curse. At the time, he never questioned it. Now, however, he could see the gaping hole in their relationship clearly - he had never wanted her, not like he wanted Mayu now. 

Yet, somehow, this was so much more than a simple craving. This was a need, a primal sort of urge that coursed through his veins and consumed every thought and feeling as though his survival depended on it. It was something that made him feel like, if he didn’t find relief, the overwhelming urgency of it all would eat him alive. 

So, now he was here - alone again in the shower with water dripping down his face and steam clinging to his skin, bracing himself against the wall as he anxiously pumped away the frustration that had been building for much too long. That was all he had, but he made sure it was enough. He had never considered himself to be a creative person, but, when he was like this, his mind developed some desperate and miraculous ability to create vivid and fully-realized scenes. 

With each stroke he could see her more and more clearly. She was on her knees, hands splayed tightly on his narrow hips as her mouth wrapped around him. He could feel the pleasant tightness of her lips as she sucked, the soft drag of her tongue against him, the pressure of her nails digging into his skin. He could see his hand tugging needily at her hair, her head bobbing as she worked him over, her lashes fluttering as she momentarily met his eyes. His mind latched onto that, the image of her looking at him that way. Soon, that familiar heat began to pool in his stomach, and he leaned into his shoulder as he bit back a throaty moan. With a few more quick, uncoordinated strokes, his knees buckled and he came with her name falling from his lips in broken gasps.

Then it was over, and reality slowly seeped back in. Mayu was his friend, someone who saw him and felt as though she could trust him. If she knew the way he thought about her, she would surely be disgusted. Shame washing over him more with each passing second, he ran his soiled hand beneath the water before sinking to his knees. God, he was so pathetic when he was like this. 

He let out a long breath, growing numb to the sensation of the water hitting his back. He wasn’t sure why he put himself through this. The temporary high of allowing himself to imagine things he would never be able to experience rarely seemed to be worth the inevitable emptiness that followed. Some days, he wondered why he ever let himself be so careless as to fall this far in the first place.

Still… perhaps it had been impossible to avoid. When they were together, she made him forget that there was anything wrong with him. Almost as though he was a normal person. She didn’t look at him with the same pity as his family, the same quiet sorrow. She looked at him as though he brought joy into her life. It felt good to be someone who could make another person happy. 

Soon, that feeling gave way to something new. He began to notice how beautiful she was, the way his insides would coil and his head would swim whenever she looked at him for too long. When she spoke, he found himself taking in the shapes her lips made and sounds of her voice so intently that he would lose track of what she was saying. He couldn’t get enough of the way she teased him and made him blush, and the way she’d laugh when she succeeded in getting a reaction out of him. When he wasn’t with her, something felt wrong.

Before he could stop himself, he had fallen in love with her. Even more regrettably, his love coupled itself with a feeling that he had always pushed so far down he hadn’t known he was capable of it. 

In moments like this, he reminded himself that none of it mattered anyway. It didn’t matter if he loved her or wanted her. It didn’t even matter if she happened to share those feelings. Taking any step in that direction would lead to her getting hurt. He couldn’t handle that. Not this time. If Mayu got hurt simply because he was an idiot with no self-control, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. He wasn’t even sure that he would be able to pick himself and move forward like he had in the past. 

As painfully melodramatic as it sounded, even just in his own head, these months with her taught him that a life where she no longer knew him wouldn’t be one worth living. He would rather go on like this forever than be left alone with the memories of what they had. 

He lifted himself off the tiles and turned off the water, reaching quickly for his towel as the heat dissipated and frigid air hit his skin. He dried himself on the way to his bedroom, watery footprints left in his wake as he tiredly walked through the halls. Tossing his towel into the hamper, he moved to his dresser to dig for the spare pack of cigarettes and lighter he had tucked away. He slumped onto the foot of the bed, pulling a cigarette out of the pack and sticking it in his mouth before lighting it. The smoke filled his lungs and his brain, clouding out all the things that hurt until he felt himself relax once again. 

Pushing the damp hair from his eyes, he took another drag. This was his life. Wanting and wasting without any hope of change. Maybe he deserved it, maybe he didn’t. He couldn’t decide anymore. Someday… maybe something would change. But someday was nowhere in sight. All he knew was that he had something he loved, something that made his days a little brighter, and he would cling to it in any way he could. 

That was the best he could hope for.

**Author's Note:**

> \- this really is an angsty masturbation fic i'm so sorry  
\- hope you enjoyed anyway!  
\- title from "bedroom hymns" by florence + the machine  
\- come hang out on tumblr @machi-kuragi :))


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